Losing Miriam - The Torah's Lesson on Grief

The Torah includes episodes of surprising psychological depth. This week’s Torah portion or parsha, Chukat, happens to be one of them.  The story talks place during the desert wanderings.  The Israelites arrive at the wilderness of Zin.

As a side note, many scholars identify this as the southern part of the Negev.  In some Christian translations, it is called the wilderness of Sin.  And some identify it rather with Sin-ai. Most important for us: it is a desert location where the Israelites rest.

The Torah tells us that Moses’ sister Miriam dies in the wilderness of Zin and is buried there.  Unlike when her brother Aaron dies later a few chapters later and the people mourn for him for 30 days, the people do not take time for mourning Miriam. Rather the story just continues.

Something telling happens.  Let’s read from the text: “Miriam died there and was buried there. The congregation had no water; so they assembled against Moses and Aaron.” (Numbers 20:1-2)  In Hebrew, water is “mayim” and Miriam means “bitter water.”  So the verse could easily be read, “The congregation had no Miriam, so they assembled against Moses and Aaron.”

Moses and Aaron, who also haven’t properly mourned, do not handle this rebellion well – at all.  As the legend goes, God tells Moses to speak to a rock and ask it spout forth water.  Moses, instead, hits the rock in frustration.  And, as a result, Moses isn’t allowed to enter into the Promised Land but rather will die on east side of the River Jordan.

As Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, the chief rabbi of England, explains, “So it was not simply the Israelites’ demand for water that led Moses to lose control of his emotions, but rather his own deep grief. The Israelites may have lost their water, but Moses had lost his sister, who had watched over him as a child, guided his development, supported him throughout the years, and helped him carry the burden of leadership in her role as leader of the women."

This episode serves as a warning: When something significant happens, when we suffer a loss, when our lives change in some important way, we need to take time to reflect, to mark the moment and to deal with the emotions.   Otherwise, whatever has happened will just continue to impact us, often in negative ways. 

Why do the Israelites mourn Aaron and not Miriam?  The text does not tell us. The feminist in me says its because Miriam is a woman and Aaron is a man.  Throughout the Torah text, Miriam leads but in unofficial roles whereas Aaron has an official role as high priest.  I’d like to think, though, that maybe its’ something different.  Perhaps, the people learned from their mistake.  After not mourning Miriam, they realize that they should take time to mourn Aaron when he dies. 

The early rabbis say that Miriam’s presence brought a well of water to the people wherever they wandered in the desert.  And, when she died, Miriam’s well ceased to exist.  Water is fundamental. It is key to our existence.  But we often do not recognize the importance of fundamental things; rather, we take them for granted.  Unfortunately, the same can be said sometimes about the fundamental people in our lives.

This parsha reminds us to notice and honor what, and who, is fundamental and essential to us.  The parsha tells us to deal with the tough stuff when it happen.  We can't ignore it.  And we don’t want to find ourselves without water in the wilderness of Zin.